Sometimes when I am weak. Sometimes when I feel not good enough. Those memories that i thought were long gone come back clear and bright as day. Those fears escape from my eyes and roll down my cheeks. Sometimes I can't hold them in. I try. Sometimes they are too much.
Why do you think that night so long ago he let me live? I think in a way it scared him to know what he was capable of doing to me. There was more than one that let me live that night. I don't remember much. I remember being a sad. I remember his hands around my neck. I sat on the couch. He was on top of me. I remember him not letting go....and then all of a sudden he did. I remember taking a bottle of pills. Not sure how many. Scared I wouldn't wake up but too tired to care. I couldn't believe He let me live. I don't remember a whole about that night. I just remember how I was so sad and alone that i felt I needed him. How sad. How sad that this is how much i loved myself.
Not only did this decision hurt me but also my future kids. I can't turn them away from someone that has such an enormous ability to hurt people. I know. He hurt me to the core. Why did I allow him to do so this? Why did I lose all this control. Let someone who is so evil have any part of my life. So much so that I have no ability to protect them. None. Yikes. Sadness overwhelms me. The wet fears fall again.
How did someone that never loved me. Never cared. Be a part of my life for so long. He wanted me dead. But i couldn't see that all those years. 18 of them. I was nothing to him.
I thought i had pushed the memories out. I thought i had moved through that. I don't ever want to relive it.
I hope I can be the woman he wants me to be. I hope he can be happy with me. I hope. Fears leak out again . may the fears some day leave. May they never resurface. May we live in God's peace.
