I have officially made it to day two at the gym! Feels good to accomplish my goals.
It was tough getting here today. That nap was getting close to winning.
I had a good workout and look forward to tomorrow. :)
P.S. Please excuse me if I don't appreciate your right to smoke outside the gym. I do enjoy being able to breathe and I don't appreciate you taking away my rights.
Abigail and I have decided our day trip agenda. We are going to the bowling ball art in Nowata. It will be a fantastic day!
Sometimes when I am weak. Sometimes when I feel not good enough. Those memories that i thought were long gone come back clear and bright as day. Those fears escape from my eyes and roll down my cheeks. Sometimes I can't hold them in. I try. Sometimes they are too much.
Why do you think that night so long ago he let me live? I think in a way it scared him to know what he was capable of doing to me. There was more than one that let me live that night. I don't remember much. I remember being a sad. I remember his hands around my neck. I sat on the couch. He was on top of me. I remember him not letting go....and then all of a sudden he did. I remember taking a bottle of pills. Not sure how many. Scared I wouldn't wake up but too tired to care. I couldn't believe He let me live. I don't remember a whole about that night. I just remember how I was so sad and alone that i felt I needed him. How sad. How sad that this is how much i loved myself.
Not only did this decision hurt me but also my future kids. I can't turn them away from someone that has such an enormous ability to hurt people. I know. He hurt me to the core. Why did I allow him to do so this? Why did I lose all this control. Let someone who is so evil have any part of my life. So much so that I have no ability to protect them. None. Yikes. Sadness overwhelms me. The wet fears fall again.
How did someone that never loved me. Never cared. Be a part of my life for so long. He wanted me dead. But i couldn't see that all those years. 18 of them. I was nothing to him.
I thought i had pushed the memories out. I thought i had moved through that. I don't ever want to relive it.
I hope I can be the woman he wants me to be. I hope he can be happy with me. I hope. Fears leak out again . may the fears some day leave. May they never resurface. May we live in God's peace.
We are at the dentist office.
Mackenzie is having her crowns put on today.
Thank goodness she is able to have it done. Thank goodness I am able to be here with her.
I pray some day she can find relief from the anxiety she has. I pray some day she can find trust and peace to roll what life gives and enjoy it.
